Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. it's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well the kids hate me for one and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Blundered Classifieds
Blundered Classifieds
1. Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef
$2.25; Children $2.00
2. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers,
3. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
4. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
5. No matter what your topcoat is made if, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
6. Tire of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
7. Dog for sale; eats anything and is especially fond of children.
8. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
9. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
10. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
11. Sheer Stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
12. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
13. For sale - diamonds $20: microscopes $15.
14. Man, honest. Will take anything.
15. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
16. Auto repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again.
17. . Illiterate? Write today for free help.
18. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not drink or smoke.
19. 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
20. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
1. Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef
$2.25; Children $2.00
2. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers,
3. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
4. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
5. No matter what your topcoat is made if, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
6. Tire of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
7. Dog for sale; eats anything and is especially fond of children.
8. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
9. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
10. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
11. Sheer Stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
12. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
13. For sale - diamonds $20: microscopes $15.
14. Man, honest. Will take anything.
15. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
16. Auto repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again.
17. . Illiterate? Write today for free help.
18. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not drink or smoke.
19. 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
20. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Worth Repeating
There is no indispensable man. President Franklin Roosevelt
We must hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately. Benjamin Franklin
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
It's not enough to do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required. Winston Churchill
Nothing pains some people more than having to think. Martin Luther King Jr.
We must hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately. Benjamin Franklin
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
It's not enough to do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required. Winston Churchill
Nothing pains some people more than having to think. Martin Luther King Jr.
For Laughs
For Laughs
Two rather intoxicated men are driving down the highway drinking beer. All of a sudden the drive notices lights flashing in his mirror: the cops are on his tail.
His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beef bottles and we'll each stick one on our foreheads. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat and let me do the talking."
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, and asks to see that guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "have you been drinking?' "Oh, no sir." the driver replies.
"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks "Oh, no, sir." the driver answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Well, I've got to ask you." says that cop. "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"
"That's easy, Officer." says that driver. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
Two rather intoxicated men are driving down the highway drinking beer. All of a sudden the drive notices lights flashing in his mirror: the cops are on his tail.
His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beef bottles and we'll each stick one on our foreheads. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat and let me do the talking."
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, and asks to see that guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "have you been drinking?' "Oh, no sir." the driver replies.
"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks "Oh, no, sir." the driver answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Well, I've got to ask you." says that cop. "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"
"That's easy, Officer." says that driver. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
Things to Ponder
An error is like a leak in the roof of your house--the amount of damage it can do depends on how fast you fix it.
Home is where you are loved -- even by those who know all about you.
Three ingredients of success: Aspiration, Inspiration and Perspiration.
It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.
Home is where you are loved -- even by those who know all about you.
Three ingredients of success: Aspiration, Inspiration and Perspiration.
It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.
Bad Day
The Next Time You Are Having a Bad Day Read These:
In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight hours hosrt of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Ipod.
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight hours hosrt of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Ipod.
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
A Creed for Everyone
A Creed for Everyone
Silence - When your word could hurt
Patience -- When your neighbor's curt
Deafness -- When the scandal flows
Thoughtfulness - For others' woes
Promptness -- When stern duty calls
Courage -- When misfortune falls
Silence - When your word could hurt
Patience -- When your neighbor's curt
Deafness -- When the scandal flows
Thoughtfulness - For others' woes
Promptness -- When stern duty calls
Courage -- When misfortune falls
Just for Laughs
You can do office aerobics sitting right at your desk. It consists of jumping to conclusions, ducking resonsiblity, coming to grips with the problems, stretching your boss's patience, sidestepping difficulties and pushing your luck.
During his doctor's appointment for his yearly check-up, Fred discussed with Dr. Jones a concern he had for his wife's hearing. He told the doctor that it appeared she was suffering from hearing loss. Dr. Jones suggested that Fred try to determine just how bad the hearing loss was by doinga home test and then reporting back to him and they would proceed from there. Fred was to ask Martha a question from across the room, and move closer to Martha if she did not respond, and that way they would know at what distance Martha could hear Fred.
So that afternoon as Martha was preparing dinner, Fred stepped quietly into the kitchen and stood at the far end of the room. "Martha, what are we having for dinner, he quietly asked. Martha didn't turn around and there was no reply. "Martha, what are you preparing from dinner ? Fred asked again. Still no reply. Fred is getting worried that the problem is really severe. He steps closer again, and repeats his question. Still nothing. He's real concerned now. So he steps right up to her side and says directly into her ear, "Martha, dear, what are we having for dinner." Martha turns to Fred and says, "Fred, you've asked me four times what's for dinner and four times I have told you Spaghetti and Meatballs.
During his doctor's appointment for his yearly check-up, Fred discussed with Dr. Jones a concern he had for his wife's hearing. He told the doctor that it appeared she was suffering from hearing loss. Dr. Jones suggested that Fred try to determine just how bad the hearing loss was by doinga home test and then reporting back to him and they would proceed from there. Fred was to ask Martha a question from across the room, and move closer to Martha if she did not respond, and that way they would know at what distance Martha could hear Fred.
So that afternoon as Martha was preparing dinner, Fred stepped quietly into the kitchen and stood at the far end of the room. "Martha, what are we having for dinner, he quietly asked. Martha didn't turn around and there was no reply. "Martha, what are you preparing from dinner ? Fred asked again. Still no reply. Fred is getting worried that the problem is really severe. He steps closer again, and repeats his question. Still nothing. He's real concerned now. So he steps right up to her side and says directly into her ear, "Martha, dear, what are we having for dinner." Martha turns to Fred and says, "Fred, you've asked me four times what's for dinner and four times I have told you Spaghetti and Meatballs.
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