Travels of the Retired

Travels of the Retired

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

*I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

*I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close, so it's a short drive.

*I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

*I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to go there too often.

*I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

*Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

*One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get.

*And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible, but life shows me I am not.

*People keep telling me I'm in Denial, but I'm positive I've never been there before.

*So far, I haven't been in Continent, but my travel agent says I'll be going soon

How Old Is Grandpa?

How Old Is Grandpa?
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.  The grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute.  I was born before
television
penicillin
polio shots
frozen foods
Xerox
contact lenses
frisbees
credit cards
laser beams
ball-point pens
Pizza Hut
McDonald's
instant coffee
pantyhose
air conditioners
dishwashers
clothes dryers
and space travel
He continued: "When I was a boy, Ice cream cones and Pepsis were a nickel.  A nickel would buy enough stamps to mail a letter and two postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coup for $600 and gas was 11 cents a gallon."
You probably think this is a very old man.  If so, you are in for a shock!  This man would be only 69 years old.

A Deck of Cards

A Deck of Cards

It was a quiet day; the guns, mortars and land mines for some reason hadn't been heard.  The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the Lord's day.  As he sat there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk.
Just then an army sergeant came in and said, "Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?"
The soldier replied, "I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord."
The sergeant said, "Looks to me like you're going to play cards."
The soldier said, " No sir.  You see, since I don't have a Bible and can't buy one in this country. I've decided to think about the Lord by studying this deck of cards."
The sergeant asked in disbelief, "How will you do that?"
You see the ACE, Sargent?  It reminds me that there is only one God (Ephesians 4:4-6).
The TWO represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testaments (Hebrews 8:6-7)
The THREE represents the Father, Son and The Holy Ghost (2 Corinthians 13:14).
The FOUR stands for the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John (cf. John 20:30-31)
The FIVE is for the five virgins that were wise (Matthew 25:1-13)
The SIX is for the six days it took God to create heaves and earth (Genesis 1:1-31)
The SEVEN is for the day God rested after making His Creation (Genesis 2:1-3).
The EIGHT is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives-the eight people God spared from the flood that destroyed the earth (Genesis 6-9: 2 Peter 2:5).
The NINE is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy.  He cleansed ten, but nine never thanked him (Luke 17-17)
The TEN represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone (Exodus 20).
The JACK is a reminder that Satan, now the joker of eternal hell (1 Peter 5:8).
The QUEEN stands for the virgin Mary (Matthew 1:18-25).
The KING stands for Jesus, for He is the King of all kings (1 Timothy 6:15).
When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.  There are a total of 52 cards in the deck; each is a week-52 weeks in a year.  The four suits represent the four seasons; spring summer, fall and winter (Genesis 1:14).  Each suite has thirteen cards-there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.
So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for."
The sergeant just stood there.  After a minute, he said, "Soldier, may I borrow that deck of cards?"

Kid Wisdom

• When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" Don't answer.
• Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.
• Stay away from prunes.
• Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
• If you want a kitty, start out by asking for a horse.
• Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.
• Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a basketball bat.
• When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.

Truths

Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned


1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.


2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.


3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They alway catch the second person.


4. Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.


5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.


6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.


7. Never hold a Dust-buster and a cat at the same time.


8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.


9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.


10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.





Great Truths Adults have learned:


1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.


2. Wrinkles don't hurt.


3. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.


4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.


5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.


6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.





Great Truths About Growing Old:


1. Growing old is mandator; growing up is optional.


2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.


3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.


4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.


5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.


6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.


7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.





The four stages of life:


1. You believe in Santa Claus


2. You don't believe in Santa Claus


3. You are Santa Claus.


4. You look like Santa Claus

Success:
At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is...having friends.
At age 17 success is...having friends.
At age 35 success is...having money.
At age 50 success is...having money.
At age 70 success is...having a driver's license.
At age 75 success is...having friends.
At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants.