The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red ligth at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window ad started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about sunny beach.
I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
Bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this was when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Brain Stuff...From Cambridge University
O Iny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at cmabrigde Uinvervtisty, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sittll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot sipeling was ipmorantt!
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at cmabrigde Uinvervtisty, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sittll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot sipeling was ipmorantt!
Alzheimers Eye Test
Count every "F" in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS....
How Many?
Wrong, There are 6--no joke.
Read it again!
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you read below.
Answer: The brain cannot process "OF"
Incredit or What? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F"s on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS....
How Many?
Wrong, There are 6--no joke.
Read it again!
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you read below.
Answer: The brain cannot process "OF"
Incredit or What? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F"s on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Tequila and Salt
This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget the rude remarks.
So...
If you are a loving friend,
send this to everyone,
including the one that sent it to you.
If you get it back, then they really do love you.
And always remember...
when life hands you Lemons,
ask for Tequila and salt and call me over!
Good friends are like stars....
You don't always see them,
But you know they are always there.
"Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway"
I would rather have one rose and a king word from friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone.
forward to all your friends.
And Don't tell me you're too busy for this..
Don't you know the phrase
"stop and smell the flowers"?
See how many "Bouquets" you end up with!
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep you Human,
Failures keep you Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only
God Keeps you Going
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget the rude remarks.
So...
If you are a loving friend,
send this to everyone,
including the one that sent it to you.
If you get it back, then they really do love you.
And always remember...
when life hands you Lemons,
ask for Tequila and salt and call me over!
Good friends are like stars....
You don't always see them,
But you know they are always there.
"Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway"
I would rather have one rose and a king word from friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone.
forward to all your friends.
And Don't tell me you're too busy for this..
Don't you know the phrase
"stop and smell the flowers"?
See how many "Bouquets" you end up with!
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep you Human,
Failures keep you Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only
God Keeps you Going
The Cab Driver Goes to Heaven
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book St. Peter furrows his brow and says," Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and the wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book St. Peter furrows his brow and says," Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and the wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Cat For Sale
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.
He know that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week, I've sold sixty-eight cats.
He know that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week, I've sold sixty-eight cats.
If Only Life was Like a Computer
If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to YOU.
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to YOU.
Only in America
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America..do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America...do we use the word "politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli" in Latin meaning 'man' and 'ties' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America..do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America...do we use the word "politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli" in Latin meaning 'man' and 'ties' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Two Pots
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.
Of course,the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of it's own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?
That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."
For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
Of course,the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of it's own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?
That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."
For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
Ever Wonder
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery:?
Why is "Abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery:?
Why is "Abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Clever Business Signs
Sign over a Gynecologist's office: Dr Jones, at your cervix.
In a Podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels.
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: We're #1 in the #2 business.
At a Proctologist's door: To expedite your visit please back in.
On a Plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
On a Plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
Pizza Shop Slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Towing company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
In an Nonsmoking Area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a maternity Room door: Push. Push. Push.
At an Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
On a Taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.
On a Fence: Salesmen Welcome! Dog food is expensive.
At a Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
In a Restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We'll wait.
At a Propane Filling station: Thank heaven for Little grills.
In a Podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels.
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: We're #1 in the #2 business.
At a Proctologist's door: To expedite your visit please back in.
On a Plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
On a Plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
Pizza Shop Slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Towing company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
In an Nonsmoking Area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a maternity Room door: Push. Push. Push.
At an Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
On a Taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.
On a Fence: Salesmen Welcome! Dog food is expensive.
At a Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
In a Restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We'll wait.
At a Propane Filling station: Thank heaven for Little grills.
Stress Management
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it."
"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. if I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."
"Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!"
And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life;
1. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
2. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
4. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
5. If you can't be kind, a least have the decency to be vague.
6. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7. If may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
9. When every thing's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
10. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
11. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
12. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
13. Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
14. We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to live in the same box.
15. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
16. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it."
"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. if I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."
"Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!"
And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life;
1. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
2. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
4. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
5. If you can't be kind, a least have the decency to be vague.
6. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7. If may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
9. When every thing's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
10. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
11. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
12. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
13. Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
14. We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to live in the same box.
15. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
16. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Hard of Hearing
1. An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to year 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again. The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
2. Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new born baby,"
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!"
"Yep, No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
3. An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said , "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? you know...the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one,: replied the man.
Hen then turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
4. Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, insisting he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom, changing out of her hospital gown."
5. A senior citizen said to his eight-year-old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep".
"Do I know her"
"Nope."
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?'
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
6. Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
7. A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but, it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor.
"What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
8. Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
9. A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied "Arthritis."
2. Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new born baby,"
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!"
"Yep, No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
3. An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said , "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? you know...the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one,: replied the man.
Hen then turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
4. Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, insisting he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom, changing out of her hospital gown."
5. A senior citizen said to his eight-year-old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep".
"Do I know her"
"Nope."
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?'
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
6. Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
7. A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but, it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor.
"What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
8. Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
9. A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied "Arthritis."
Lipstick at School
According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, Michigan was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Back Luck
This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the truck driver says. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have insurance. So, I grabbed a cab home, but, after the cab left, I discovered I had forgotten and left my wallet in it. And, when I got home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener!"
"So I walked over to this bar and was just sitting here thinking about putting an end to my life, and you show up and drink the darn poison."
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the truck driver says. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have insurance. So, I grabbed a cab home, but, after the cab left, I discovered I had forgotten and left my wallet in it. And, when I got home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener!"
"So I walked over to this bar and was just sitting here thinking about putting an end to my life, and you show up and drink the darn poison."
Proverbs from First Graders
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class with the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
1. Better to be safe than......punch a 5th grader.
2. Strike while the......bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before.......Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of.....termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but.....how?
6. Don't bite the hand that......looks dirty.
7. No news is......impossible.
8. A miss is a good as a .......Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new......math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll......stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust......me.
12. The pen is mightier than the......pigs.
13. An idle mind is.....the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's......pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.......gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is......not much.
17. Two's company, three's.......the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and .....you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as.....Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not....spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed....get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you.....see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind leadeth the blind...get out of the way.
25. Better late than.....pregnant.
1. Better to be safe than......punch a 5th grader.
2. Strike while the......bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before.......Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of.....termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but.....how?
6. Don't bite the hand that......looks dirty.
7. No news is......impossible.
8. A miss is a good as a .......Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new......math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll......stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust......me.
12. The pen is mightier than the......pigs.
13. An idle mind is.....the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's......pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.......gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is......not much.
17. Two's company, three's.......the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and .....you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as.....Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not....spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed....get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you.....see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind leadeth the blind...get out of the way.
25. Better late than.....pregnant.
Sunday: Palm
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several Palm branches! The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go, he shows up!"
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go, he shows up!"
Climb the Walls
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "what trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard him tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit," the little boy answered.
The grandmother was curious. "what trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard him tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit," the little boy answered.
Prayers
The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No, Sir," he replied, "We don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"
"No, Sir," he replied, "We don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"
First time Ushers
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plastes.
When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me daddy. I'm under five."
When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me daddy. I'm under five."
Grandma's Age
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, "39 and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"
Grandma answered, "39 and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"
Support a Family
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
Children's Sermon
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?" "I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"
Life after Death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new employee replied.
"Well, then that makes every just fine," the boss went on. "After you, left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped by to see you."
"Yes, sir," the new employee replied.
"Well, then that makes every just fine," the boss went on. "After you, left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped by to see you."
Mood Ring
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
Truths
Great Truths that Little Children Have Learned:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is in Grandpa's lap.
Great Truths that Adults Have Learned:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
Great Truths about Growing Old:
1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
The Four Stages of Life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.
Success:
At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is...having friends.
At age 17 success is...having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is...having money.
At age 50 success is...having money.
At age 70 success is...having a driver's license.
At age 75 success is...having friends.
At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants.
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is in Grandpa's lap.
Great Truths that Adults Have Learned:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
Great Truths about Growing Old:
1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
The Four Stages of Life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.
Success:
At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is...having friends.
At age 17 success is...having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is...having money.
At age 50 success is...having money.
At age 70 success is...having a driver's license.
At age 75 success is...having friends.
At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants.
Quick Thinking
There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager.
"Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit..." he began and suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, "..and this lovely lady would like to buy that other half."
The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?" asked the store manager.
"Lancaster Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "home of ugly women and great hockey teams."
"Oh, my *WIFE* is from Lancaster," challenged the manager.
Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she on?"
"Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit..." he began and suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, "..and this lovely lady would like to buy that other half."
The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?" asked the store manager.
"Lancaster Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "home of ugly women and great hockey teams."
"Oh, my *WIFE* is from Lancaster," challenged the manager.
Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she on?"
Ten Reasons God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because He knew men would never ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what is on TV; they wan to see WHAT ELSE is on TV.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to bear children because men would never be able to handle it.
4. As Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone," he only ends up getting himself in trouble.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam he stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what is on TV; they wan to see WHAT ELSE is on TV.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to bear children because men would never be able to handle it.
4. As Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone," he only ends up getting himself in trouble.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam he stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."
Hanging from a Rope
There were 11 people hanging on to a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one was a woman.
They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech on how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping.
They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech on how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping.
Retirement Through the Eyes of a Kid
After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:
"We used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home. But Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride three-wheeled tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building called a wrecked hall but if it was wrecked they got it fixed because it's all right now. They play games and do exercises there. but they don't do them pretty good.
There is a swimming pool there. They go in and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches them all day so they don't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out, they go to the beach and pick up shells. They think they are dollars.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night-"early birds". Some people are so retarded they don't know how to cook at all. So my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "potted luck." My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardedment. I wish they would move back up here but I guess the little man in the doll house won't let them out."
"We used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home. But Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride three-wheeled tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building called a wrecked hall but if it was wrecked they got it fixed because it's all right now. They play games and do exercises there. but they don't do them pretty good.
There is a swimming pool there. They go in and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches them all day so they don't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out, they go to the beach and pick up shells. They think they are dollars.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night-"early birds". Some people are so retarded they don't know how to cook at all. So my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "potted luck." My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardedment. I wish they would move back up here but I guess the little man in the doll house won't let them out."
Church Newspapers
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.
3. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
4. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
5. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
6. The peacemaking meeting schedule for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
7. The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus".
8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
9. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
10. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
11. Remember in prayer the many who are sick in our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
12. Don't let worry kill you-let the church help.
13. Irvin Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24, in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
17. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for nominal feel.
20. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
21. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
22. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
23. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
24. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
25. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
26. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
27. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
28. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
29. The eight graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
31. The associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."
2. The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.
3. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
4. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
5. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
6. The peacemaking meeting schedule for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
7. The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus".
8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
9. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
10. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
11. Remember in prayer the many who are sick in our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
12. Don't let worry kill you-let the church help.
13. Irvin Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24, in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
17. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for nominal feel.
20. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
21. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
22. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
23. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
24. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
25. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
26. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
27. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
28. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
29. The eight graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
31. The associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."
Granny's Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend, I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend, I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
Who Does What
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says......."HEBREWS."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says......."HEBREWS."
Marriage Seminar
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
Chun Kuk Do
Chuck Norris created the martial art Chun Kuk Do, which is based primarily on Tang Soo Do and includes elemtns from every combat style he knows. Like many other martial arts, Chun Kuk Do includes a code of honor and rules to live by. These rules are from Chuck Norris's personal code. They are:
1. I will develop myself to the maximum of my potential in all ways.
2. I will forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements.
3. I will continually work at developing love, happiness and loyalty in my family.
4. I will look for the good in all people and make them feel worthwhile.
5. If I have nothing good to say about a person, I will say nothing.
6. I will always be as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
7. I will maintain an attitude of open-mindedness.
8. I will maintain respect for those in authority and demonstrate this respect at all time.
9. I will always remain loyal to God, my country, family and my friends.
10. I will remain highly goal-oriented throughout my life because that positive attitude helps my family, my country and myself.
1. I will develop myself to the maximum of my potential in all ways.
2. I will forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements.
3. I will continually work at developing love, happiness and loyalty in my family.
4. I will look for the good in all people and make them feel worthwhile.
5. If I have nothing good to say about a person, I will say nothing.
6. I will always be as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
7. I will maintain an attitude of open-mindedness.
8. I will maintain respect for those in authority and demonstrate this respect at all time.
9. I will always remain loyal to God, my country, family and my friends.
10. I will remain highly goal-oriented throughout my life because that positive attitude helps my family, my country and myself.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Catholic Children on Religion
I received an email recently that came from a Catholic Elementary School test in which kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments.
The following statements about the Bible were written by the children and have not been retouched nor corrected. (The incorrect spellings also have been left just as the children wrote them.)
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pearls.
Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seven commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. (I loved this one!)
David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He found the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
"In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is on,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.
"Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.
"He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
"Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
"Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was king of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said he would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud spots coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent 10 plagues on Pharaoh's people.
These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn? It would be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was.")
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had 12 opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
The following statements about the Bible were written by the children and have not been retouched nor corrected. (The incorrect spellings also have been left just as the children wrote them.)
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pearls.
Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seven commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. (I loved this one!)
David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He found the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
"In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is on,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.
"Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.
"He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
"Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
"Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was king of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said he would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud spots coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent 10 plagues on Pharaoh's people.
These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn? It would be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was.")
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had 12 opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Signs You're About to Be Fire
"Just because I'm pranoid doesn't mean that they aren't out to get me." -- Woody Allen
"Your lives are in the hands of men who are no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I've worked alongside of them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and time again... and I say, this stinks." Homer Simpson of the television show The Simpsons
1. You're Out of the Loop.
You no longer get advanced notice of company news or reports; and you seem to be losing your voice in organizational matters. You are not copied on memos you normally receive or invited to meetings you usually attend.
2. Your Boss Has an Eye on You.
You feel as if you're being scrutinized more closely and that your boss no longer trusts you. Your decisions are constantly questioned, your expense reports put under a microscope, and you have less latitude to work independently.
3. You're Getting the Siberia Treatment.
You used to know all the scoop -- be it business or social in nature. Now your co-workers avoid you and the last conversation you had with your superiors was a lame attempt at pleasant banter.
4. You had a Bad Review.
You received a poor performance rating and a disproportionate amount of negative feedback. If you received a warning or were given a "performance improvement plan," it's really time to start packing!
5. Your Superior is Leaving Paper Trails.
Your boss communicates with you predominately in writing. You receive memos pointing out errors, criticizing your performance and confirming any meetings or discussions the two of you have had.
6. You and Your Boss Are Not Getting Along.
Corporate management will swear it's not personal, yet many downsizing are actually ways to get rid of unpopular or "black-listed" employees. Performance is a subjective judgment and managers are more likely to get rid of people they don't like.
7. Your Mentor is Gone.
The executive who always championed you has left the company or been rendered powerless.
8. You Publicly Messed Up.
You made a blatant error that embarrassed your boss or made the company look bad. Or, you're part of a team that goofed up and they need a scapegoat.
9. New Blood has Taken Over.
Your company is about to merge, be acquired or undergo reorganization and your leader suddenly disappears. New hires have become the wave of the future and they've been given the directive to "shake things up."
10. You're Being Set Up to Fail.
You've been assigned to an undesirable territory or given impossible tasks with unrealistic deadlines and little support.
11. You've Been Stripped of Your Duties.
You've been asked to compile a report of all your ongoing projects and pushed hard to finish one or two specific projects. Or, you've been relieved of your core duties so that you can work on meaningless "special projects." You are encouraged not to do your usual long-term planning.
12. You're Hearing Rumors.
If you're hearing rumors of your demise, take heed: Where there's smoke, there's fire.
13. Management has made your life a living HELL.
At one point or another we're all vulnerable to the proverbial corporate ax. Don't live in denial. If you recognize more than one of these signs, it's time to look for greener pastures and to reverse your fate.
"Your lives are in the hands of men who are no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I've worked alongside of them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and time again... and I say, this stinks." Homer Simpson of the television show The Simpsons
1. You're Out of the Loop.
You no longer get advanced notice of company news or reports; and you seem to be losing your voice in organizational matters. You are not copied on memos you normally receive or invited to meetings you usually attend.
2. Your Boss Has an Eye on You.
You feel as if you're being scrutinized more closely and that your boss no longer trusts you. Your decisions are constantly questioned, your expense reports put under a microscope, and you have less latitude to work independently.
3. You're Getting the Siberia Treatment.
You used to know all the scoop -- be it business or social in nature. Now your co-workers avoid you and the last conversation you had with your superiors was a lame attempt at pleasant banter.
4. You had a Bad Review.
You received a poor performance rating and a disproportionate amount of negative feedback. If you received a warning or were given a "performance improvement plan," it's really time to start packing!
5. Your Superior is Leaving Paper Trails.
Your boss communicates with you predominately in writing. You receive memos pointing out errors, criticizing your performance and confirming any meetings or discussions the two of you have had.
6. You and Your Boss Are Not Getting Along.
Corporate management will swear it's not personal, yet many downsizing are actually ways to get rid of unpopular or "black-listed" employees. Performance is a subjective judgment and managers are more likely to get rid of people they don't like.
7. Your Mentor is Gone.
The executive who always championed you has left the company or been rendered powerless.
8. You Publicly Messed Up.
You made a blatant error that embarrassed your boss or made the company look bad. Or, you're part of a team that goofed up and they need a scapegoat.
9. New Blood has Taken Over.
Your company is about to merge, be acquired or undergo reorganization and your leader suddenly disappears. New hires have become the wave of the future and they've been given the directive to "shake things up."
10. You're Being Set Up to Fail.
You've been assigned to an undesirable territory or given impossible tasks with unrealistic deadlines and little support.
11. You've Been Stripped of Your Duties.
You've been asked to compile a report of all your ongoing projects and pushed hard to finish one or two specific projects. Or, you've been relieved of your core duties so that you can work on meaningless "special projects." You are encouraged not to do your usual long-term planning.
12. You're Hearing Rumors.
If you're hearing rumors of your demise, take heed: Where there's smoke, there's fire.
13. Management has made your life a living HELL.
At one point or another we're all vulnerable to the proverbial corporate ax. Don't live in denial. If you recognize more than one of these signs, it's time to look for greener pastures and to reverse your fate.
Devil in the Church
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving...seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?'
"Nope, sure ain't,: said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied. "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving...seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?'
"Nope, sure ain't,: said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied. "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Liar Sermon
A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.
Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.
Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.
Who's the Most Fun to Operate On?
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order."
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order."
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless and their butt and head are interchangeable."
The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order."
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order."
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless and their butt and head are interchangeable."
The Best Way to Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the ministry. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
"No," said the ministry. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
Powerful Thoughts
1. Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
2. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
3. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
4. Whe good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
5. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
6. People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church.
7. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
8. If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
9. God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
10. Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
11. Peace starts with a smile.
12. A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
13. We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
14. Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
15. Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
16. Forbidden fruits create many jams
17. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
18. God grades on the cross, not the curve.
19. God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirits" over "religious nuts!"
20. God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
21. He who angers you, controls you!
22. If God is your Co-pilot-swap seats!
23. Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
24. The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
25. The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
26. We don't change the message, the message changes us.
27. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
28. The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given
2. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
3. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
4. Whe good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
5. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
6. People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church.
7. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
8. If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
9. God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
10. Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
11. Peace starts with a smile.
12. A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
13. We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
14. Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
15. Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
16. Forbidden fruits create many jams
17. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
18. God grades on the cross, not the curve.
19. God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirits" over "religious nuts!"
20. God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
21. He who angers you, controls you!
22. If God is your Co-pilot-swap seats!
23. Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
24. The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
25. The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
26. We don't change the message, the message changes us.
27. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
28. The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given
Parent Job Description
Parent Job Description
If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!
Position:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, MaDad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
Job Description:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expense not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
Responsibilities:
The rest of your life! Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.00. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
Possibility for Advancement & Promotion:
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
Previous Experience:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
Wages and Compensation:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
Benefits:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stopck options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
**A FOOTNOTE:
THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! **If you are fortunate enough you will become grandparents!
If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!
Position:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, MaDad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
Job Description:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expense not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
Responsibilities:
The rest of your life! Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.00. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
Possibility for Advancement & Promotion:
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
Previous Experience:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
Wages and Compensation:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
Benefits:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stopck options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
**A FOOTNOTE:
THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! **If you are fortunate enough you will become grandparents!
Jokes
1. A university student challenged a senior citizen saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers.."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young. So we invented them!"
2. Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and a servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
3. The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
4. All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
5. Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young. So we invented them!"
2. Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and a servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
3. The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
4. All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
5. Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
Jokes
1. A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.
The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor returns to his chair and a desk, turns to the husband and in a most emphatic way says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
2. Why do politicians envy ventriloquists? Because they can lie without moving their lips.
The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor returns to his chair and a desk, turns to the husband and in a most emphatic way says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
2. Why do politicians envy ventriloquists? Because they can lie without moving their lips.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Ten Canons for Practical Life
1. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.
2. Never trouble another for what you can do yourself.
3. Never spend your money before you have it.
4. Never buy what you do not want, because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
5. Pride costs us more than hunger, thirst and cold.
6. We never repent of having eaten too little.
7. Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly.
8. How much pain have cost us the evils which have never happened.
9. Take things always by their smooth handle.
10. When angry, count ten, before you speak; if very angry, an hundred.
To Thomas Jefferson Smith, Monticello, February 21, 1825
2. Never trouble another for what you can do yourself.
3. Never spend your money before you have it.
4. Never buy what you do not want, because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
5. Pride costs us more than hunger, thirst and cold.
6. We never repent of having eaten too little.
7. Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly.
8. How much pain have cost us the evils which have never happened.
9. Take things always by their smooth handle.
10. When angry, count ten, before you speak; if very angry, an hundred.
To Thomas Jefferson Smith, Monticello, February 21, 1825
Two Traveling Angels
Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."
The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.
The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die. "Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it." "Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."
Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You just might not know it until some time later...
The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.
The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die. "Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it." "Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."
Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You just might not know it until some time later...
The Sin
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!" When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!".
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!" When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!".
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
Employment
1. I worked for a Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a so so job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, I tried to be a Chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attmempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
10. I became a professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian -- until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a so so job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, I tried to be a Chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attmempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
10. I became a professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian -- until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
The Perfect Pastor
How to Have a Perfect Pastor
A recent survey has compiled all the qualities that people expect from the perfect pastor:
1. Results of a computerized survey indicated that the perfect pastor preaches exactly 12 minutes.
2. He frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone.
3. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor.
4. He makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and give about $80 a week to the poor.
5. He is 28 years of age, but he's been preaching for 30 years. He is wonderfully gentle and handsome.
6. He gives himself completely but never gets too close to anytone to avoid criticism.
7. He speaks boldly on social issues, but never becomes politically involved.
He has a burning desire to work with teenagers, but he spends all of his time with senior citizens.
8. He makes 15 daily calls to parish families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized spends all of his time evangelizing the unchurched, and is always in his office when needed.
A recent survey has compiled all the qualities that people expect from the perfect pastor:
1. Results of a computerized survey indicated that the perfect pastor preaches exactly 12 minutes.
2. He frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone.
3. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor.
4. He makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and give about $80 a week to the poor.
5. He is 28 years of age, but he's been preaching for 30 years. He is wonderfully gentle and handsome.
6. He gives himself completely but never gets too close to anytone to avoid criticism.
7. He speaks boldly on social issues, but never becomes politically involved.
He has a burning desire to work with teenagers, but he spends all of his time with senior citizens.
8. He makes 15 daily calls to parish families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized spends all of his time evangelizing the unchurched, and is always in his office when needed.
Here are several jokes.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. I want to gain weight., Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit: smoking.
8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.
9. Spend more time at work.
10. Take a vacation to someplace important; like to see the largest ball of twine.
11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
12. Quit giving money & time to charity.
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
15. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
16. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
17. Personal goal: bring back disco.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. I want to gain weight., Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit: smoking.
8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.
9. Spend more time at work.
10. Take a vacation to someplace important; like to see the largest ball of twine.
11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
12. Quit giving money & time to charity.
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
15. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
16. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
17. Personal goal: bring back disco.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Why God Made Moms
I recently found the following in my files and thought I would share with everyone.
Why God Made Moms
Answers given by 2nd grade school children:
Why did God make Mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats alot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
Why God Made Moms
Answers given by 2nd grade school children:
Why did God make Mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats alot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
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