Things to Ponder

Things to Ponder

Let's face it....
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No Ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted,
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly.
Boxing rings are square.
And Guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth.
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways!
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another.
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down.
And in which you fill in a form By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
and it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn't a race at all).
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are on they are invisible.
And why is it that when I wind up my watch
It starts,
But when I wind up this poem
It ends!

For Laughs

For Laughs

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the windows. Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the heck she is. Ellen DeGeneres

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, No Pain. Carol Leifer

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson

It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline. George Lindsey

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are alway locking three. Elayne Boosler

I had a linguistic professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominate species on the planet. That may be. BUt I think there's one other thinbg that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. Jeff Stilson

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okey, then it's you. Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Jerry Seinfeld

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

Thought for the Day:
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.

Do You Know This Person?

Do You Know This Person?

I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts 'till 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening child-proof caps...with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

I'm good for a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin or antacid.

I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories...over & over & over & over & over...

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so scared for, long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, politicians...

I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.

I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

Chinese Proverb

Chinese Proverb

If you want to be happy for an hour, take a nap.
If you want to be happy for a day, go fishing.
If you want to be happy for a month, get married.
If you want to be happy for a lifetime, serve others.

Things to Ponder

Things to Ponder

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day.

What would you do? Draw out every center, of course!!!

Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposit, the loss is yours.

There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow".

You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today.

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.

To realize the value of ONE MONTH, as a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.

To realized the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.

To realize the value of one MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal at the Olympics.

Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time. And remember that time waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the Present!

Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encouraged you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. So be sure to show your friends how much you care.

Anonymous

For Laughs

For Laughs

Hillary Clinton
In the midst of a domestic argument over his acts of straying, Hillary suffers a massive stroke and dies on the spot.

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, Hillary is surprised to discover that Princess Di and Mother Teresa are there along with her (what can I say-it seems that bureaucratic red tape is a problem everywhere).

After registering the three newcomers are taken for a personal interview to see the BIG GUY (St. Peter was heard to say "Ya'll get in the truck! We're going up to the big house").

Upon arriving at HIS presence, God turned to Princess Di and asked her to tell him why she thought she should be admitted into Heaven.

Di responded, "Well I put up with Charles for a lot of years, led many charitable organizations, and did many wonderful things in the world."

God responded, "you are definitely a good person. Come and sit in the seat to my right."

Then he turned to Mother Teresa and asked her to describe her good deeds. She responded. "I cared for the sick and dying and provided hospice for those in need."

God told her that she was truly a good person and that she should come and sit in the seat to his left. Then he turned to Hilary and asked her to explain who she was and what her good deeds were.

Hilary responded, "My name is Hillary Clinton and I believe that you are sitting in my seat."

For Laughs

For Laughs

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. Ellen Generes

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket:? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too. Jake Johansen

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

the best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires. Dorothy Parker

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Thoughts for Success

Thoughts for Success

Real leaders are ordinary people with extraordinary determination.

The right man is the one who seizes the moment. Goethe

When the horse is dead, get off.

Wisdom: You should have education enough so that you won't have to look up to people, and then more education so that you will be wise enough not to look down on people. M. J. Boren

"For Laughs

For Laughs

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Strange Old Lady

Strange Old Lady

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house.

I have no idea who she is, where she came from or how she got in. I certainly didn't invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she was. She's very clever. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror. I catch a glimpse of her there, and when I look into the mirror directly to check my appearance, suddenly she's hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. It's very disconcerting. I've tried screaming at her to leave but she just screams back, grimacing horribly.

She's really rather frightening. If she's going to hang around, the least she could do is offer to pay rent. But no...Every once in a while I do find a couple of dollar bills on my kitchen counter or some lose change on my bureau or on the floor, but that certainly isn't enough.

In fact, though I don't like to jump to conclusions, I think she steals money from me regularly. I go to the ATM and withdraw a hundred dollars and a few days later, it's gone! I certainly don't go through it that fast, so I can only conclude that the old lady pilfers it. You'd think that she'd spend some of it on wrinkle cream. God knows, she needs it, and , the money isn't the only thing she's taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate. Especially the good stuff-ice cream, cookies, candy-I just can't keep it in the house. She really has a sweet tooth. She should watch it, she is really putting on pounds. I think she realizes that, and to make herself feel better, I know she is tampering with my scale so I'll think I'm gaining weight too. For an old lady, she's really quite childish. . She also goes into my closets when I am not home and alters all my clothes. They're getting tighter everyday. Another thing...I wish she'd stop messing with my files and papers on my desk. I can't find a thing anymore. This is particularly hard to deal with because I'm extremely neat and organized, but she manages to jumble everything up so nothing is where it's supposed to be. Furthermore, when I program my VCR to tape something important, she fiddles with it after I leave the room so it records the wrong channel or shuts off completely. She finds innumerable, imaginative ways to irritate me. She gets my newspaper, magazines and all the mail before me--and blurs all the print, and she's done something sinister with the volume controls on my TV, radio and phone...now all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She's also made my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner, the knobs and faucets harder to turn and my bed higher and a real challenge to climb into and out of. Furthermore, she gets my groceries as soon as I shelve them and applies super glue to the tops of every jar and bottle so they're just about impossible to open. Is this anyway to repay my hospitality?

I don't even get my rest at night. More than once her snoring has awakened me. I don't know why she can't do something about that. It's very unattractive...As if all isn't bad enough, she is no longer confining her malevolence to the hose. She's now found a way to sneak into my car with me and follow me where ever I go. I see her reflection in store windows as I pass, and she's taken all the fun out of clothes shopping because her penchant for monopolizing mirrors has extended to dressing rooms. When I try something on, she dons an identical outfit-which looks ridiculous on her and then stands directly in front of me so I can't see how great it looks on me.

I thought she couldn't get any meaner than that, but yesterday she proved me wrong. She had the nerve to come with me when I went to have some passport pictures taken, and she actually stepped in front of the camera just as the shutter licked. Disaster! I have never seen such a terrible picture. How can I go abroad now? No customs official is ever going to believe that crone scowling from my passport is me. She's walking on very thin ice. if she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put her in a home. On second thought, I should be too hasty. First, I think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent!!!

What's a body to do?

Actual Performance Evaluations - Maybe

Actual Performance Evaluations - Maybe

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is not really so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered, like a rat in a trap.
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. This employee is depriving a village, somewhere of an idiot.
10. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
11. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
12. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
13. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
15. He's been working with glue too much.
16. He would argue with a sign post.
17. He brings a lot of joy...whenever he leaves the room.
18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
19. If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but he train isn't coming.
24. Has 2 brains, 1 is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change back.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. Take him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
29. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

For Laughs

For LAUGHS

A fellow buys a new red sports car and heads out on the interstate for a nice full throttle run. The top was down, the breeze was nice, he looks down and sees that he is doing 90 and he doesn't even feel it.

Then he checks his rear view mirror,and sure enough, flashing red lights!

He figures there's no way the cop can catch him so he nails it...100-110-at about 120 mph he realizes the error of his ways and pulls over.

The cop comes up to the window takes his license without a word and goes back to his car. The cop comes back and says, "I've had a tough shift and I don't need all the paperwork and trouble of running you in... give me an excuse I haven't heard before and you're off the hook!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Off you go," said the officer.