Strange Old Lady

Strange Old Lady

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house.

I have no idea who she is, where she came from or how she got in. I certainly didn't invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she was. She's very clever. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror. I catch a glimpse of her there, and when I look into the mirror directly to check my appearance, suddenly she's hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. It's very disconcerting. I've tried screaming at her to leave but she just screams back, grimacing horribly.

She's really rather frightening. If she's going to hang around, the least she could do is offer to pay rent. But no...Every once in a while I do find a couple of dollar bills on my kitchen counter or some lose change on my bureau or on the floor, but that certainly isn't enough.

In fact, though I don't like to jump to conclusions, I think she steals money from me regularly. I go to the ATM and withdraw a hundred dollars and a few days later, it's gone! I certainly don't go through it that fast, so I can only conclude that the old lady pilfers it. You'd think that she'd spend some of it on wrinkle cream. God knows, she needs it, and , the money isn't the only thing she's taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate. Especially the good stuff-ice cream, cookies, candy-I just can't keep it in the house. She really has a sweet tooth. She should watch it, she is really putting on pounds. I think she realizes that, and to make herself feel better, I know she is tampering with my scale so I'll think I'm gaining weight too. For an old lady, she's really quite childish. . She also goes into my closets when I am not home and alters all my clothes. They're getting tighter everyday. Another thing...I wish she'd stop messing with my files and papers on my desk. I can't find a thing anymore. This is particularly hard to deal with because I'm extremely neat and organized, but she manages to jumble everything up so nothing is where it's supposed to be. Furthermore, when I program my VCR to tape something important, she fiddles with it after I leave the room so it records the wrong channel or shuts off completely. She finds innumerable, imaginative ways to irritate me. She gets my newspaper, magazines and all the mail before me--and blurs all the print, and she's done something sinister with the volume controls on my TV, radio and phone...now all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She's also made my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner, the knobs and faucets harder to turn and my bed higher and a real challenge to climb into and out of. Furthermore, she gets my groceries as soon as I shelve them and applies super glue to the tops of every jar and bottle so they're just about impossible to open. Is this anyway to repay my hospitality?

I don't even get my rest at night. More than once her snoring has awakened me. I don't know why she can't do something about that. It's very unattractive...As if all isn't bad enough, she is no longer confining her malevolence to the hose. She's now found a way to sneak into my car with me and follow me where ever I go. I see her reflection in store windows as I pass, and she's taken all the fun out of clothes shopping because her penchant for monopolizing mirrors has extended to dressing rooms. When I try something on, she dons an identical outfit-which looks ridiculous on her and then stands directly in front of me so I can't see how great it looks on me.

I thought she couldn't get any meaner than that, but yesterday she proved me wrong. She had the nerve to come with me when I went to have some passport pictures taken, and she actually stepped in front of the camera just as the shutter licked. Disaster! I have never seen such a terrible picture. How can I go abroad now? No customs official is ever going to believe that crone scowling from my passport is me. She's walking on very thin ice. if she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put her in a home. On second thought, I should be too hasty. First, I think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent!!!

What's a body to do?