For Laughs

For Laughs

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the windows. Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the heck she is. Ellen DeGeneres

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, No Pain. Carol Leifer

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson

It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline. George Lindsey

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are alway locking three. Elayne Boosler

I had a linguistic professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominate species on the planet. That may be. BUt I think there's one other thinbg that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. Jeff Stilson

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okey, then it's you. Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Jerry Seinfeld

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

Thought for the Day:
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.