Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. it's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well the kids hate me for one and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Blundered Classifieds
Blundered Classifieds
1. Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef
$2.25; Children $2.00
2. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers,
3. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
4. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
5. No matter what your topcoat is made if, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
6. Tire of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
7. Dog for sale; eats anything and is especially fond of children.
8. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
9. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
10. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
11. Sheer Stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
12. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
13. For sale - diamonds $20: microscopes $15.
14. Man, honest. Will take anything.
15. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
16. Auto repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again.
17. . Illiterate? Write today for free help.
18. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not drink or smoke.
19. 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
20. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
1. Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef
$2.25; Children $2.00
2. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers,
3. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
4. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
5. No matter what your topcoat is made if, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
6. Tire of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
7. Dog for sale; eats anything and is especially fond of children.
8. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
9. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
10. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
11. Sheer Stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
12. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
13. For sale - diamonds $20: microscopes $15.
14. Man, honest. Will take anything.
15. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
16. Auto repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again.
17. . Illiterate? Write today for free help.
18. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not drink or smoke.
19. 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
20. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Worth Repeating
There is no indispensable man. President Franklin Roosevelt
We must hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately. Benjamin Franklin
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
It's not enough to do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required. Winston Churchill
Nothing pains some people more than having to think. Martin Luther King Jr.
We must hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately. Benjamin Franklin
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
It's not enough to do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required. Winston Churchill
Nothing pains some people more than having to think. Martin Luther King Jr.
For Laughs
For Laughs
Two rather intoxicated men are driving down the highway drinking beer. All of a sudden the drive notices lights flashing in his mirror: the cops are on his tail.
His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beef bottles and we'll each stick one on our foreheads. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat and let me do the talking."
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, and asks to see that guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "have you been drinking?' "Oh, no sir." the driver replies.
"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks "Oh, no, sir." the driver answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Well, I've got to ask you." says that cop. "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"
"That's easy, Officer." says that driver. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
Two rather intoxicated men are driving down the highway drinking beer. All of a sudden the drive notices lights flashing in his mirror: the cops are on his tail.
His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beef bottles and we'll each stick one on our foreheads. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat and let me do the talking."
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, and asks to see that guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "have you been drinking?' "Oh, no sir." the driver replies.
"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks "Oh, no, sir." the driver answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Well, I've got to ask you." says that cop. "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"
"That's easy, Officer." says that driver. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
Things to Ponder
An error is like a leak in the roof of your house--the amount of damage it can do depends on how fast you fix it.
Home is where you are loved -- even by those who know all about you.
Three ingredients of success: Aspiration, Inspiration and Perspiration.
It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.
Home is where you are loved -- even by those who know all about you.
Three ingredients of success: Aspiration, Inspiration and Perspiration.
It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.
Bad Day
The Next Time You Are Having a Bad Day Read These:
In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight hours hosrt of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Ipod.
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight hours hosrt of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Ipod.
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
A Creed for Everyone
A Creed for Everyone
Silence - When your word could hurt
Patience -- When your neighbor's curt
Deafness -- When the scandal flows
Thoughtfulness - For others' woes
Promptness -- When stern duty calls
Courage -- When misfortune falls
Silence - When your word could hurt
Patience -- When your neighbor's curt
Deafness -- When the scandal flows
Thoughtfulness - For others' woes
Promptness -- When stern duty calls
Courage -- When misfortune falls
Just for Laughs
You can do office aerobics sitting right at your desk. It consists of jumping to conclusions, ducking resonsiblity, coming to grips with the problems, stretching your boss's patience, sidestepping difficulties and pushing your luck.
During his doctor's appointment for his yearly check-up, Fred discussed with Dr. Jones a concern he had for his wife's hearing. He told the doctor that it appeared she was suffering from hearing loss. Dr. Jones suggested that Fred try to determine just how bad the hearing loss was by doinga home test and then reporting back to him and they would proceed from there. Fred was to ask Martha a question from across the room, and move closer to Martha if she did not respond, and that way they would know at what distance Martha could hear Fred.
So that afternoon as Martha was preparing dinner, Fred stepped quietly into the kitchen and stood at the far end of the room. "Martha, what are we having for dinner, he quietly asked. Martha didn't turn around and there was no reply. "Martha, what are you preparing from dinner ? Fred asked again. Still no reply. Fred is getting worried that the problem is really severe. He steps closer again, and repeats his question. Still nothing. He's real concerned now. So he steps right up to her side and says directly into her ear, "Martha, dear, what are we having for dinner." Martha turns to Fred and says, "Fred, you've asked me four times what's for dinner and four times I have told you Spaghetti and Meatballs.
During his doctor's appointment for his yearly check-up, Fred discussed with Dr. Jones a concern he had for his wife's hearing. He told the doctor that it appeared she was suffering from hearing loss. Dr. Jones suggested that Fred try to determine just how bad the hearing loss was by doinga home test and then reporting back to him and they would proceed from there. Fred was to ask Martha a question from across the room, and move closer to Martha if she did not respond, and that way they would know at what distance Martha could hear Fred.
So that afternoon as Martha was preparing dinner, Fred stepped quietly into the kitchen and stood at the far end of the room. "Martha, what are we having for dinner, he quietly asked. Martha didn't turn around and there was no reply. "Martha, what are you preparing from dinner ? Fred asked again. Still no reply. Fred is getting worried that the problem is really severe. He steps closer again, and repeats his question. Still nothing. He's real concerned now. So he steps right up to her side and says directly into her ear, "Martha, dear, what are we having for dinner." Martha turns to Fred and says, "Fred, you've asked me four times what's for dinner and four times I have told you Spaghetti and Meatballs.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Things to Ponder
Things to Ponder
Let's face it....
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No Ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted,
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly.
Boxing rings are square.
And Guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth.
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways!
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another.
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down.
And in which you fill in a form By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
and it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn't a race at all).
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are on they are invisible.
And why is it that when I wind up my watch
It starts,
But when I wind up this poem
It ends!
Let's face it....
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No Ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted,
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly.
Boxing rings are square.
And Guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth.
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways!
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another.
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down.
And in which you fill in a form By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
and it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn't a race at all).
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are on they are invisible.
And why is it that when I wind up my watch
It starts,
But when I wind up this poem
It ends!
For Laughs
For Laughs
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the windows. Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the heck she is. Ellen DeGeneres
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, No Pain. Carol Leifer
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson
It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline. George Lindsey
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are alway locking three. Elayne Boosler
I had a linguistic professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominate species on the planet. That may be. BUt I think there's one other thinbg that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. Jeff Stilson
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okey, then it's you. Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Jerry Seinfeld
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin
Thought for the Day:
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the windows. Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the heck she is. Ellen DeGeneres
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, No Pain. Carol Leifer
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson
It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline. George Lindsey
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are alway locking three. Elayne Boosler
I had a linguistic professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominate species on the planet. That may be. BUt I think there's one other thinbg that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. Jeff Stilson
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okey, then it's you. Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Jerry Seinfeld
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin
Thought for the Day:
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.
Do You Know This Person?
Do You Know This Person?
I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts 'till 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening child-proof caps...with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
I'm good for a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin or antacid.
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories...over & over & over & over & over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm so scared for, long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, politicians...
I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts 'till 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening child-proof caps...with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
I'm good for a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin or antacid.
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories...over & over & over & over & over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm so scared for, long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, politicians...
I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
Chinese Proverb
Chinese Proverb
If you want to be happy for an hour, take a nap.
If you want to be happy for a day, go fishing.
If you want to be happy for a month, get married.
If you want to be happy for a lifetime, serve others.
If you want to be happy for an hour, take a nap.
If you want to be happy for a day, go fishing.
If you want to be happy for a month, get married.
If you want to be happy for a lifetime, serve others.
Things to Ponder
Things to Ponder
Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day.
What would you do? Draw out every center, of course!!!
Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposit, the loss is yours.
There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow".
You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today.
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, as a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.
To realized the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realize the value of one MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal at the Olympics.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time. And remember that time waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the Present!
Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encouraged you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. So be sure to show your friends how much you care.
Anonymous
Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day.
What would you do? Draw out every center, of course!!!
Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposit, the loss is yours.
There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow".
You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today.
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, as a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.
To realized the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realize the value of one MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal at the Olympics.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time. And remember that time waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the Present!
Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encouraged you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. So be sure to show your friends how much you care.
Anonymous
For Laughs
For Laughs
Hillary Clinton
In the midst of a domestic argument over his acts of straying, Hillary suffers a massive stroke and dies on the spot.
Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, Hillary is surprised to discover that Princess Di and Mother Teresa are there along with her (what can I say-it seems that bureaucratic red tape is a problem everywhere).
After registering the three newcomers are taken for a personal interview to see the BIG GUY (St. Peter was heard to say "Ya'll get in the truck! We're going up to the big house").
Upon arriving at HIS presence, God turned to Princess Di and asked her to tell him why she thought she should be admitted into Heaven.
Di responded, "Well I put up with Charles for a lot of years, led many charitable organizations, and did many wonderful things in the world."
God responded, "you are definitely a good person. Come and sit in the seat to my right."
Then he turned to Mother Teresa and asked her to describe her good deeds. She responded. "I cared for the sick and dying and provided hospice for those in need."
God told her that she was truly a good person and that she should come and sit in the seat to his left. Then he turned to Hilary and asked her to explain who she was and what her good deeds were.
Hilary responded, "My name is Hillary Clinton and I believe that you are sitting in my seat."
Hillary Clinton
In the midst of a domestic argument over his acts of straying, Hillary suffers a massive stroke and dies on the spot.
Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, Hillary is surprised to discover that Princess Di and Mother Teresa are there along with her (what can I say-it seems that bureaucratic red tape is a problem everywhere).
After registering the three newcomers are taken for a personal interview to see the BIG GUY (St. Peter was heard to say "Ya'll get in the truck! We're going up to the big house").
Upon arriving at HIS presence, God turned to Princess Di and asked her to tell him why she thought she should be admitted into Heaven.
Di responded, "Well I put up with Charles for a lot of years, led many charitable organizations, and did many wonderful things in the world."
God responded, "you are definitely a good person. Come and sit in the seat to my right."
Then he turned to Mother Teresa and asked her to describe her good deeds. She responded. "I cared for the sick and dying and provided hospice for those in need."
God told her that she was truly a good person and that she should come and sit in the seat to his left. Then he turned to Hilary and asked her to explain who she was and what her good deeds were.
Hilary responded, "My name is Hillary Clinton and I believe that you are sitting in my seat."
For Laughs
For Laughs
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. Ellen Generes
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket:? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too. Jake Johansen
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
the best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires. Dorothy Parker
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. Ellen Generes
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket:? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too. Jake Johansen
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
the best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires. Dorothy Parker
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Thoughts for Success
Thoughts for Success
Real leaders are ordinary people with extraordinary determination.
The right man is the one who seizes the moment. Goethe
When the horse is dead, get off.
Wisdom: You should have education enough so that you won't have to look up to people, and then more education so that you will be wise enough not to look down on people. M. J. Boren
Real leaders are ordinary people with extraordinary determination.
The right man is the one who seizes the moment. Goethe
When the horse is dead, get off.
Wisdom: You should have education enough so that you won't have to look up to people, and then more education so that you will be wise enough not to look down on people. M. J. Boren
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
"For Laughs
For Laughs
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
Strange Old Lady
Strange Old Lady
A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house.
I have no idea who she is, where she came from or how she got in. I certainly didn't invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she was. She's very clever. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror. I catch a glimpse of her there, and when I look into the mirror directly to check my appearance, suddenly she's hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. It's very disconcerting. I've tried screaming at her to leave but she just screams back, grimacing horribly.
She's really rather frightening. If she's going to hang around, the least she could do is offer to pay rent. But no...Every once in a while I do find a couple of dollar bills on my kitchen counter or some lose change on my bureau or on the floor, but that certainly isn't enough.
In fact, though I don't like to jump to conclusions, I think she steals money from me regularly. I go to the ATM and withdraw a hundred dollars and a few days later, it's gone! I certainly don't go through it that fast, so I can only conclude that the old lady pilfers it. You'd think that she'd spend some of it on wrinkle cream. God knows, she needs it, and , the money isn't the only thing she's taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate. Especially the good stuff-ice cream, cookies, candy-I just can't keep it in the house. She really has a sweet tooth. She should watch it, she is really putting on pounds. I think she realizes that, and to make herself feel better, I know she is tampering with my scale so I'll think I'm gaining weight too. For an old lady, she's really quite childish. . She also goes into my closets when I am not home and alters all my clothes. They're getting tighter everyday. Another thing...I wish she'd stop messing with my files and papers on my desk. I can't find a thing anymore. This is particularly hard to deal with because I'm extremely neat and organized, but she manages to jumble everything up so nothing is where it's supposed to be. Furthermore, when I program my VCR to tape something important, she fiddles with it after I leave the room so it records the wrong channel or shuts off completely. She finds innumerable, imaginative ways to irritate me. She gets my newspaper, magazines and all the mail before me--and blurs all the print, and she's done something sinister with the volume controls on my TV, radio and phone...now all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She's also made my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner, the knobs and faucets harder to turn and my bed higher and a real challenge to climb into and out of. Furthermore, she gets my groceries as soon as I shelve them and applies super glue to the tops of every jar and bottle so they're just about impossible to open. Is this anyway to repay my hospitality?
I don't even get my rest at night. More than once her snoring has awakened me. I don't know why she can't do something about that. It's very unattractive...As if all isn't bad enough, she is no longer confining her malevolence to the hose. She's now found a way to sneak into my car with me and follow me where ever I go. I see her reflection in store windows as I pass, and she's taken all the fun out of clothes shopping because her penchant for monopolizing mirrors has extended to dressing rooms. When I try something on, she dons an identical outfit-which looks ridiculous on her and then stands directly in front of me so I can't see how great it looks on me.
I thought she couldn't get any meaner than that, but yesterday she proved me wrong. She had the nerve to come with me when I went to have some passport pictures taken, and she actually stepped in front of the camera just as the shutter licked. Disaster! I have never seen such a terrible picture. How can I go abroad now? No customs official is ever going to believe that crone scowling from my passport is me. She's walking on very thin ice. if she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put her in a home. On second thought, I should be too hasty. First, I think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent!!!
What's a body to do?
A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house.
I have no idea who she is, where she came from or how she got in. I certainly didn't invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she was. She's very clever. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror. I catch a glimpse of her there, and when I look into the mirror directly to check my appearance, suddenly she's hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. It's very disconcerting. I've tried screaming at her to leave but she just screams back, grimacing horribly.
She's really rather frightening. If she's going to hang around, the least she could do is offer to pay rent. But no...Every once in a while I do find a couple of dollar bills on my kitchen counter or some lose change on my bureau or on the floor, but that certainly isn't enough.
In fact, though I don't like to jump to conclusions, I think she steals money from me regularly. I go to the ATM and withdraw a hundred dollars and a few days later, it's gone! I certainly don't go through it that fast, so I can only conclude that the old lady pilfers it. You'd think that she'd spend some of it on wrinkle cream. God knows, she needs it, and , the money isn't the only thing she's taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate. Especially the good stuff-ice cream, cookies, candy-I just can't keep it in the house. She really has a sweet tooth. She should watch it, she is really putting on pounds. I think she realizes that, and to make herself feel better, I know she is tampering with my scale so I'll think I'm gaining weight too. For an old lady, she's really quite childish. . She also goes into my closets when I am not home and alters all my clothes. They're getting tighter everyday. Another thing...I wish she'd stop messing with my files and papers on my desk. I can't find a thing anymore. This is particularly hard to deal with because I'm extremely neat and organized, but she manages to jumble everything up so nothing is where it's supposed to be. Furthermore, when I program my VCR to tape something important, she fiddles with it after I leave the room so it records the wrong channel or shuts off completely. She finds innumerable, imaginative ways to irritate me. She gets my newspaper, magazines and all the mail before me--and blurs all the print, and she's done something sinister with the volume controls on my TV, radio and phone...now all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She's also made my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner, the knobs and faucets harder to turn and my bed higher and a real challenge to climb into and out of. Furthermore, she gets my groceries as soon as I shelve them and applies super glue to the tops of every jar and bottle so they're just about impossible to open. Is this anyway to repay my hospitality?
I don't even get my rest at night. More than once her snoring has awakened me. I don't know why she can't do something about that. It's very unattractive...As if all isn't bad enough, she is no longer confining her malevolence to the hose. She's now found a way to sneak into my car with me and follow me where ever I go. I see her reflection in store windows as I pass, and she's taken all the fun out of clothes shopping because her penchant for monopolizing mirrors has extended to dressing rooms. When I try something on, she dons an identical outfit-which looks ridiculous on her and then stands directly in front of me so I can't see how great it looks on me.
I thought she couldn't get any meaner than that, but yesterday she proved me wrong. She had the nerve to come with me when I went to have some passport pictures taken, and she actually stepped in front of the camera just as the shutter licked. Disaster! I have never seen such a terrible picture. How can I go abroad now? No customs official is ever going to believe that crone scowling from my passport is me. She's walking on very thin ice. if she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put her in a home. On second thought, I should be too hasty. First, I think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent!!!
What's a body to do?
Actual Performance Evaluations - Maybe
Actual Performance Evaluations - Maybe
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is not really so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered, like a rat in a trap.
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. This employee is depriving a village, somewhere of an idiot.
10. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
11. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
12. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
13. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
15. He's been working with glue too much.
16. He would argue with a sign post.
17. He brings a lot of joy...whenever he leaves the room.
18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
19. If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but he train isn't coming.
24. Has 2 brains, 1 is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change back.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. Take him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
29. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is not really so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered, like a rat in a trap.
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. This employee is depriving a village, somewhere of an idiot.
10. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
11. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
12. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
13. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
15. He's been working with glue too much.
16. He would argue with a sign post.
17. He brings a lot of joy...whenever he leaves the room.
18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
19. If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but he train isn't coming.
24. Has 2 brains, 1 is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change back.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. Take him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
29. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
For Laughs
For LAUGHS
A fellow buys a new red sports car and heads out on the interstate for a nice full throttle run. The top was down, the breeze was nice, he looks down and sees that he is doing 90 and he doesn't even feel it.
Then he checks his rear view mirror,and sure enough, flashing red lights!
He figures there's no way the cop can catch him so he nails it...100-110-at about 120 mph he realizes the error of his ways and pulls over.
The cop comes up to the window takes his license without a word and goes back to his car. The cop comes back and says, "I've had a tough shift and I don't need all the paperwork and trouble of running you in... give me an excuse I haven't heard before and you're off the hook!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.
A fellow buys a new red sports car and heads out on the interstate for a nice full throttle run. The top was down, the breeze was nice, he looks down and sees that he is doing 90 and he doesn't even feel it.
Then he checks his rear view mirror,and sure enough, flashing red lights!
He figures there's no way the cop can catch him so he nails it...100-110-at about 120 mph he realizes the error of his ways and pulls over.
The cop comes up to the window takes his license without a word and goes back to his car. The cop comes back and says, "I've had a tough shift and I don't need all the paperwork and trouble of running you in... give me an excuse I haven't heard before and you're off the hook!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
A Miracle Coming On
A Miracle Coming On
A burglar broke into a house one night. He flashed his flashlight around looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD Player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next score, and then clicked the light back on, and began searching again for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot, "Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked. "I'm trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. What kind of stupid people would name their parrot Moses?"
The parrot replied, "probably the same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."
A burglar broke into a house one night. He flashed his flashlight around looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD Player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next score, and then clicked the light back on, and began searching again for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot, "Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked. "I'm trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. What kind of stupid people would name their parrot Moses?"
The parrot replied, "probably the same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."
For Laughs
For Laughs
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming froma grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig Van Beethoven, 1770-1827. He ealizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him, By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing again backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day, the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then, the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?", the caretaker says incredulously.
He's decomposing!
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming froma grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig Van Beethoven, 1770-1827. He ealizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him, By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing again backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day, the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then, the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?", the caretaker says incredulously.
He's decomposing!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
A Survival kit for Everyday
A Survival Kit for Everyday
Toothpick
Rubber Band
Pencil
Eraser
Chewing Gum
Mint
Candy Kiss
Tea Bag
Toothpick - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others. Matthew 7:1
Rubber Band - to remind you to be flexible, things might not always go the way you way, but it will work out. Romans 8:28
Band-Aid - to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's. Colossians 3:12-14
Pencil - to remind you to list your blessings every day. Ephesians 1:3
Eraser - to remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's okay! Genesis 50: 15-21
Chewing Gum - tgo remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything with Jesus! Philippians 4:13
Mint - to remind you that you are worth a mint to your heavenly Father. John 3: 16-17
Candy Kiss - to remind you that everyone needs to a kiss or a hug everyday. 1 John 4:7
Tea Bag - to remind you to relax daily and go over that list of God's blessings. 1 Thessalonians 5:18
Toothpick
Rubber Band
Pencil
Eraser
Chewing Gum
Mint
Candy Kiss
Tea Bag
Toothpick - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others. Matthew 7:1
Rubber Band - to remind you to be flexible, things might not always go the way you way, but it will work out. Romans 8:28
Band-Aid - to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's. Colossians 3:12-14
Pencil - to remind you to list your blessings every day. Ephesians 1:3
Eraser - to remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's okay! Genesis 50: 15-21
Chewing Gum - tgo remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything with Jesus! Philippians 4:13
Mint - to remind you that you are worth a mint to your heavenly Father. John 3: 16-17
Candy Kiss - to remind you that everyone needs to a kiss or a hug everyday. 1 John 4:7
Tea Bag - to remind you to relax daily and go over that list of God's blessings. 1 Thessalonians 5:18
Monday, May 16, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
50 Myths that can ruin your life and 50 diabetic Truths that can save it.
I was just reading the book entitled 50 Diabetes Myths that Can Ruin your Life and the 50 Diabetes Truths that Can Save It by Riva Greenberg.
1. Eating sweets causes diabetes.
2. I have to be overweight to have diabetes.
3. I don't have to watch myself because my doctor says I just have touch of sugar or I am borderline.
4. Type 2 diabetes isn't as serious as type 1.
5. I've just been diagnosed; I can't have complications yet.
6. Only adults get type 2 diabetes and only kids get type 1.
7. If I have go to on insulin, it's the beginning of the end.
8. So many of my family members have diabetes, I'm certain to get it!
9. People with diabetes can't eat sugar.
10. Diabetes is the leading cause of blindness, heart attack, kidney disease, and amputation.
11. Most people have diabetes eventually lose their feet.
12. Insulin shots are very painful.
13. There's nothing I can do to prevent my kids from getting diabetes.
14. People who have diabetes have to wear special shoes.
15. Diabetes medications make you gain weight.
16. I can't have diabetes because I have no symptoms.
17. If I lose weight and don't require medicine anymore, I'll no longer have diabetes.
18. There's nothing new for treating type 2 diabetes.
19. If I'm sick (such as with a cold or flu) and barely eat, I shouldn't take my diabetes medicine.
20. If my diabetes is under control, there's no need to see my doctor.
21. If I take insulin, I must eat snacks during the day and at bedtime.
22. I've heard for thirty years that there's going to be a cure for type 1 diabetes, but nothing's changed.
23. Women with diabetes shouldn't get pregnant.
24. The stresses and strains of every day life don't affect diabetes.
25. My doctor manages my diabetes, so I don't have to concern myself.
26. There is one specific diabetic diet I should follow.
27. Healthful foods won't raise my blood sugar.
28. I can't eat anything I like any more!
29. It doesn't matter what I eat if I cover it with my medicine.
30. When I feel the symptoms of low blood sugar, I should keep eating sweets until I feel better.
31. People with diabetes should eat only sweets labeled. sugar-free or diabetic.
32. I shouldn't drink alcohol because it will raise my blood sugar.
33. I have to lose a lot of weight for my diabetes to improve.
34. Exercise isn't important for managing my diabetes if I'm taking medicine.
35. If anything were really wrong with my food, it would hurt.
36. My vision is blurry because I am getting older.
37. It's not safe for people with diabetes to exercise or play sports.
38. Diabetes has nothing to do with erectile dysfunction or female sexual problems.
39. There is nothing to help the pain in my feet!
40. Diabetes doesn't affect my teeth of gums.
41. I can't ever take a break from dealing with my diabetes.
42. If my doctor says it's time for me to take insulin, I'm a failure.
43. I should be able to take diabetes in stride.
44. Teens take better care of themselves when they understand the importance of doing so.
45. There's nothing good about having diabetes.
46. Financial help for diabetes treatment, supplies and education is not available to me.
47. Once I begin using a bottle of insulin, it has to be refrigerated.
48. I should never use a syringe, pen needle or lancet more than once
49. I can't bring syringes and other diabetes supplies aboard an airplane.
50. If I wear an insulin pump, my diabetes is really bad.
1. Eating sweets causes diabetes.
2. I have to be overweight to have diabetes.
3. I don't have to watch myself because my doctor says I just have touch of sugar or I am borderline.
4. Type 2 diabetes isn't as serious as type 1.
5. I've just been diagnosed; I can't have complications yet.
6. Only adults get type 2 diabetes and only kids get type 1.
7. If I have go to on insulin, it's the beginning of the end.
8. So many of my family members have diabetes, I'm certain to get it!
9. People with diabetes can't eat sugar.
10. Diabetes is the leading cause of blindness, heart attack, kidney disease, and amputation.
11. Most people have diabetes eventually lose their feet.
12. Insulin shots are very painful.
13. There's nothing I can do to prevent my kids from getting diabetes.
14. People who have diabetes have to wear special shoes.
15. Diabetes medications make you gain weight.
16. I can't have diabetes because I have no symptoms.
17. If I lose weight and don't require medicine anymore, I'll no longer have diabetes.
18. There's nothing new for treating type 2 diabetes.
19. If I'm sick (such as with a cold or flu) and barely eat, I shouldn't take my diabetes medicine.
20. If my diabetes is under control, there's no need to see my doctor.
21. If I take insulin, I must eat snacks during the day and at bedtime.
22. I've heard for thirty years that there's going to be a cure for type 1 diabetes, but nothing's changed.
23. Women with diabetes shouldn't get pregnant.
24. The stresses and strains of every day life don't affect diabetes.
25. My doctor manages my diabetes, so I don't have to concern myself.
26. There is one specific diabetic diet I should follow.
27. Healthful foods won't raise my blood sugar.
28. I can't eat anything I like any more!
29. It doesn't matter what I eat if I cover it with my medicine.
30. When I feel the symptoms of low blood sugar, I should keep eating sweets until I feel better.
31. People with diabetes should eat only sweets labeled. sugar-free or diabetic.
32. I shouldn't drink alcohol because it will raise my blood sugar.
33. I have to lose a lot of weight for my diabetes to improve.
34. Exercise isn't important for managing my diabetes if I'm taking medicine.
35. If anything were really wrong with my food, it would hurt.
36. My vision is blurry because I am getting older.
37. It's not safe for people with diabetes to exercise or play sports.
38. Diabetes has nothing to do with erectile dysfunction or female sexual problems.
39. There is nothing to help the pain in my feet!
40. Diabetes doesn't affect my teeth of gums.
41. I can't ever take a break from dealing with my diabetes.
42. If my doctor says it's time for me to take insulin, I'm a failure.
43. I should be able to take diabetes in stride.
44. Teens take better care of themselves when they understand the importance of doing so.
45. There's nothing good about having diabetes.
46. Financial help for diabetes treatment, supplies and education is not available to me.
47. Once I begin using a bottle of insulin, it has to be refrigerated.
48. I should never use a syringe, pen needle or lancet more than once
49. I can't bring syringes and other diabetes supplies aboard an airplane.
50. If I wear an insulin pump, my diabetes is really bad.
Devilled Egg Carrier
My weakness is devilled egg holders. I found this Snapware carrier at Bed Bath and Beyond. I can't wait to use it.
FieldCrest Tooth Brush holder
I went on a search through the city for a tooth brush holder that I liked. I found the one in the picture at Target. This is by Fieldcrest and is their Luxury line of bath accessories. The products are priced higher than the normal bath accessories, but they look great and are a high quality. The glass is heavy and beautiful. I may have to purchase more from Target.
To check out additional products, go to the Target website!
To check out additional products, go to the Target website!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Things Your Burglar Won't Tell You
THIRTEEN THINGS YOUR BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU
1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.
2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.
3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste... and taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.
4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it..
5. If it snows while you're out of town, get a neighbor to create car and foot tracks into the house. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.
6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don't let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it's set. That makes it too easy.
7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom - and your jewelry. It's not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.
8. It's raining, you're fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door - understandable. But understand this: I don't take a day off because of bad weather.
9. I always knock first. If you answer, I'll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don't take me up on it.)
10. Do you really think I won't look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.
11. Here's a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids' rooms.
12. You're right: I won't have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it's not bolted down, I'll take it with me.
13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. If you're reluctant to leave your TV on while you're out of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering glow of a real television. (Find it athttp://www.faketv.com/) 8 MORE THINGS A BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU:
1. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.
2. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.
3. I'll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbor hears one loud sound, he'll stop what he's doing and wait to hear it again... If he doesn't hear it again, he'll just go back to what he was doing. It's human nature.
4. I'm not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it?
5. I love looking in your windows. I'm looking for signs that you're home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I'd like. I'll drive or walk through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets.
6. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It's easier than you think to look up your address.
7. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it's an invitation.
8. If you don't answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in. Sources: Convicted burglars in North Carolina, Oregon, California, and Kentucky ; security consultant Chris McGoey, who runshttp://www.crimedoctor.com/and Richard T. Wright, a criminology professor at the University of Missouri-St. Louis, who interviewed 105 burglars for his book Burglars on the Job Protection for you and your home: If you don't have a gun, here's a more humane way to wreck someone’s evil plans for you. (I guess I can get rid of the baseball bat.): WASP SPRAY A friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead. The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray, they have to get too close to you and could overpower you. The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn't attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection... Thought this was interesting and might be of use. FROM ANOTHER SOURCE On the heels of a break in and beating that left an elderly woman in Toledo dead, self defense experts have a tip that could save your life. Val Glinka teaches self-defense to students at Sylvania Southview High School . For decades, he's suggested putting a can of wasp and hornet spray near your door or bed. Glinka says, "This is better than anything I can teach them." Glinka considers it inexpensive, easy to find, and more effective than mace or pepper spray. The cans typically shoot 20 to 30 feet; so if someone tries to break into your home, Glinka says, "spray the culprit in the eyes". It's a tip he's given to students for decades. It's also one he wants everyone to hear. If you're looking for protection, Glinka says look to the spray. "That's going to give you a chance to call the police; maybe get out." Maybe even save a life. Put your car keys beside your bed at night Tell your spouse, your children, your neighbors, your parents, your Dr's office, the check-out girl at the market, everyone you run across. Put your car keys beside your bed at night. If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies. This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator. Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this: It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Test it. It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key fob chain. It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break into your house, odds are the burglar/rapist won't stick around. After a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that. And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there. This is something that should really be shared with everyone. Maybe it could save a life or a sexual abuse crime. P.S. I am sending this to everyone I know because I think it is fantastic. Would also be useful for any emergency, such as a heart attack, where you can't reach a phone. My Mom has suggested to my Dad that he carry his car keys with him in case he falls outside and she doesn't hear him. He can activate the car alarm and then she'll know there's a problem.
1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.
2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.
3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste... and taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.
4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it..
5. If it snows while you're out of town, get a neighbor to create car and foot tracks into the house. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.
6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don't let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it's set. That makes it too easy.
7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom - and your jewelry. It's not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.
8. It's raining, you're fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door - understandable. But understand this: I don't take a day off because of bad weather.
9. I always knock first. If you answer, I'll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don't take me up on it.)
10. Do you really think I won't look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.
11. Here's a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids' rooms.
12. You're right: I won't have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it's not bolted down, I'll take it with me.
13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. If you're reluctant to leave your TV on while you're out of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering glow of a real television. (Find it athttp://www.faketv.com/) 8 MORE THINGS A BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU:
1. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.
2. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.
3. I'll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbor hears one loud sound, he'll stop what he's doing and wait to hear it again... If he doesn't hear it again, he'll just go back to what he was doing. It's human nature.
4. I'm not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it?
5. I love looking in your windows. I'm looking for signs that you're home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I'd like. I'll drive or walk through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets.
6. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It's easier than you think to look up your address.
7. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it's an invitation.
8. If you don't answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in. Sources: Convicted burglars in North Carolina, Oregon, California, and Kentucky ; security consultant Chris McGoey, who runshttp://www.crimedoctor.com/and Richard T. Wright, a criminology professor at the University of Missouri-St. Louis, who interviewed 105 burglars for his book Burglars on the Job Protection for you and your home: If you don't have a gun, here's a more humane way to wreck someone’s evil plans for you. (I guess I can get rid of the baseball bat.): WASP SPRAY A friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead. The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray, they have to get too close to you and could overpower you. The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn't attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection... Thought this was interesting and might be of use. FROM ANOTHER SOURCE On the heels of a break in and beating that left an elderly woman in Toledo dead, self defense experts have a tip that could save your life. Val Glinka teaches self-defense to students at Sylvania Southview High School . For decades, he's suggested putting a can of wasp and hornet spray near your door or bed. Glinka says, "This is better than anything I can teach them." Glinka considers it inexpensive, easy to find, and more effective than mace or pepper spray. The cans typically shoot 20 to 30 feet; so if someone tries to break into your home, Glinka says, "spray the culprit in the eyes". It's a tip he's given to students for decades. It's also one he wants everyone to hear. If you're looking for protection, Glinka says look to the spray. "That's going to give you a chance to call the police; maybe get out." Maybe even save a life. Put your car keys beside your bed at night Tell your spouse, your children, your neighbors, your parents, your Dr's office, the check-out girl at the market, everyone you run across. Put your car keys beside your bed at night. If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies. This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator. Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this: It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Test it. It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key fob chain. It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break into your house, odds are the burglar/rapist won't stick around. After a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that. And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there. This is something that should really be shared with everyone. Maybe it could save a life or a sexual abuse crime. P.S. I am sending this to everyone I know because I think it is fantastic. Would also be useful for any emergency, such as a heart attack, where you can't reach a phone. My Mom has suggested to my Dad that he carry his car keys with him in case he falls outside and she doesn't hear him. He can activate the car alarm and then she'll know there's a problem.
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